If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
