i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I AM VODKA MAN
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
