he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
