I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
