I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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