i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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