cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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