I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
