What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
