so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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