Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
