The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
