Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
