A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
