I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
