1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
