its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I want to make a zoo with you.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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