He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
