I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
