She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
