i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Randomize
