sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
50% drunk capacity currently
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
