you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
