so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
