im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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