a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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