Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Randomize
