I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
