TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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