he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you traded sex for a burrito?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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