she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
