i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
