Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
