i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
