Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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