I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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