Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
