I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
