Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just threw up on my dentist
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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