There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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