we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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