she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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