Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
