I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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