He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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