i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
