I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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