I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
40s are totally the cure
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
