If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I need a beard to bite.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
