Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
BRING THE BAGELS
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
